Denise Williams
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Thoughts & Happenings

'just accept the compliment' and other things I tell myself

2/8/2020

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2019 was a big year for me. I signed with an agent, I was honored for some awards, I was a finalist for the Golden Heart award through RWA, my book sold, the women's empowerment program I co-lead received high praise, and my kid is cute. All that is to say, I found myself receiving a lot of compliments. That certainly not a bad thing--I like compliments; however, what I recognized in myself was my inability to simply say "Thank you."

Instead, I did what many of us do. I qualified my thank you.
  • Thank  you. I really got lucky.
  • Thank you. The credit really goes to [this group/this person]
  • Thank you. I don't deserve it, but I'm excited.
  • Thank you. He is cute. He's also kind of a beast.
I qualified my thank you. I diminished the accomplishment. Also, those statements aren't true. I wrote a good book. I worked with a group of incredible women to bring together a program, but I had a large hand in that. I am a creative and dedicated advocate for social justice. My kid is cute and only a beast like 28% of the time.
In conversations with other debut authors, many of us worry about marketing and self-promotion. After all, what will people think of me if I am talking myself up? Here's a re-frame. If I created a candy and someone told me they loved it, I wouldn't say "Thanks! I'm so lucky it turned out to not be poisonous!" If I did, it's unlikely I'd be a candy mogul for long. Yet, I do it with myself all the time. Where does this instinct to diminish come from?
  • Imposter syndrome. It's a defense mechanism. If someone doesn't like my book, hey, I told you I got lucky. If someone thinks I'm bragging or full of myself, hey I gave credit to others. If I'm found out as a fraud, I've already deflected the credit. Someone else can't break me down if I've already done it, so maybe I'm safe.
  • Humility: I know humility is a socially desirably trait, especially for women and people of color. Here's the thing, though, my big secret: I'm not humble. Just ask my husband.
  • Learned behavior.  Joy DeGruy is a tremendous scholar who studies multi-generational trauma. If you haven't read Post-Traumatic Slave Syndrome and are interested in this topic, finish reading this, then drop everything and pick it up. It's paradigm-altering. she gives one example about historical threads leading to black women deflecting a compliment about their child with "Oh, he's a handful," or "I'm up to here with her." How many times did I see that growing up? DeGruy connects that to historical survival strategies that were passed down generation to generation. To diminish a child's accomplishments back then was to save them from being sold or taken from  you. I included a short video below if you're interested.
Bottom line, I spent a year subtly and millimeter by millimeter tearing myself down. I'm only 5'3," I don't have that many millimeters to spare! I'm teaching myself to just accept the compliment with a thank you. I'm biting my tongue when I want to hedge my bets. I'm saying "That means so much to hear" instead of implying I don't deserve the praise. It's harder than one might think, but I'm making progress. 

If you're in the same boat, try saying "thank you" with no qualifiers next time you receive a compliment and see how it feels.
Photos by
Joanna Kosinska
Courtney Hedger
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    About Denise

    Denise reads romance novels, writes research papers, can be found humming "Baby Shark" long after her toddler has gone to bed, and loves ruining her character's lives but then giving them happily ever afters. She is a member of ​Romance Writers of America® and a 2019 Golden Heart® Finalist, and her debut novel HOW TO FAIL AT FLIRTING will be out fall 2020 from Berkley.

    Note: As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

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  • Home
  • About Denise
  • Books
    • How to Fail at Flirting
    • The Fastest Way to Fall
    • Do You Take This Man
    • Love and Other Flight Delays
    • Technically Yours
    • Even If the Sky Is Falling
    • Heat and CWs
    • International Editions
  • Contact Me
  • Events
  • Book Clubs
  • Blog
  • Links