'just accept the compliment' and other things I tell myself

2019 was a big year for me. I signed with an agent, I was honored for some awards, I was a finalist for the Golden Heart award through RWA, my book sold, the women's empowerment program I co-lead received high praise, and my kid is cute. All that is to say, I found myself receiving a lot of compliments. That certainly not a bad thing--I like compliments; however, what I recognized in myself was my inability to simply say "Thank you."

Instead, I did what many of us do. I qualified my thank you.

• Thank  you. I really got lucky.
• Thank you. The credit really goes to [this group/this person]
• Thank you. I don't deserve it, but I'm excited.
• Thank you. He is cute. He's also kind of a beast.

I qualified my thank you. I diminished the accomplishment. Also, those statements aren't true. I wrote a good book. I worked with a group of incredible women to bring together a program, but I had a large hand in that. I am a creative and dedicated advocate for social justice. My kid is cute and only a beast like 28% of the time.

In conversations with other debut authors, many of us worry about marketing and self-promotion. After all, what will people think of me if I am talking myself up? Here's a re-frame. If I created a candy and someone told me they loved it, I wouldn't say "Thanks! I'm so lucky it turned out to not be poisonous!" If I did, it's unlikely I'd be a candy mogul for long. Yet, I do it with myself all the time. Where does this instinct to diminish come from?

• Imposter syndrome. It's a defense mechanism. If someone doesn't like my book, hey, I told you I got lucky. If someone thinks I'm bragging or full of myself, hey I gave credit to others. If I'm found out as a fraud, I've already deflected the credit. Someone else can't break me down if I've already done it, so maybe I'm safe.
• Humility: I know humility is a socially desirably trait, especially for women and people of color. Here's the thing, though, my big secret: I'm not humble. Just ask my husband.
• Learned behavior.  Joy DeGruy is a tremendous scholar who studies multi-generational trauma. If you haven't read Post-Traumatic Slave Syndrome and are interested in this topic, finish reading this, then drop everything and pick it up. It's paradigm-altering. she gives one example about historical threads leading to black women deflecting a compliment about their child with "Oh, he's a handful," or "I'm up to here with her." How many times did I see that growing up? DeGruy connects that to historical survival strategies that were passed down generation to generation. To diminish a child's accomplishments back then was to save them from being sold or taken from  you. I included a short video below if you're interested.

Bottom line, I spent a year subtly and millimeter by millimeter tearing myself down. I'm only 5'3," I don't have that many millimeters to spare! I'm teaching myself to just accept the compliment with a thank you. I'm biting my tongue when I want to hedge my bets. I'm saying "That means so much to hear" instead of implying I don't deserve the praise. It's harder than one might think, but I'm making progress. 

If you're in the same boat, try saying "thank you" with no qualifiers next time you receive a compliment and see how it feels.

Photos by

Joanna Kosinska

Courtney Hedger